So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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