is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Semen is not good for contacts.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
