i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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