Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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