Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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