hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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