I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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