3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
