you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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