Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
