She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
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You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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