My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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