The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
