it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
