What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
