im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
