walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
