thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
