So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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