I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I need a beard to bite.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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