i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
