Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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