OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
