I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
