I met the friendliest cop last night
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
