I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
