One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
