Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
