i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
