You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
