I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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