Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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