Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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