Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
