Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
