ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize