I met the friendliest cop last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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