$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
