i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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