Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
