why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
