Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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