I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
