Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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