Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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