hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
