Yo dont text me then not text me
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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