So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
