I love black thongs
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
