tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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