Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
