apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Ladies don't puke and tell
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I need a beard to bite.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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