Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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