dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
