So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
