Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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