Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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