god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
