omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
