I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
